Random thoughts from a landlocked mind!

He’s doing things by himself more…

I feel sad sometimes now when I don’t go with him to the VA. He’s doing better now and I want him to build confidence in accomplishing things on his own. It’s just a physical therapy for his hand today. It’s a long drive though. I am so thankful that he never suffered a brain injury like many of the military have.

He bought a project car. He’s SOOO happy! I’m happy for him. Unfortunately, it’s already causing stress for me. Grrr. This kind of thing has happened before. When he was in the service, he would work “jobs”. He’s done that for so long, that he loves it when he gets a “job”. He virtually becomes obsessed. Last year, it was having a huge retaining wall built in the back yard. Now it’s the 1931 Ford Model A. He ignores his responsibilities to the house that he committed to when I started back at college. I’m so happy he’s happy, but it makes my life so hard 😦

I’m not sure how this will play out. He knows my concerns. Sigh…

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Catfished by a celeb?

I feel ripped off. I follow a celeb on facebook. Now, I know that some do post on their pages and most don’t. Well, this particular one “friended” me. Out of four million followers, she picked me? She only had like 30 people in her friends list. Weird, right? Whatever, I find her posts inspirational and uplifting so I continue on reading daily.

Yesterday morning, early, I was online and she started a chat with me!! Of course I was skeptical that it was one of her assistants. She assured me it was her. Apprehensively, we started a conversation. Needless to say, I spilled some of my story to this person. Eventually, it kept turning back to this convention she’s putting on in October. I started to back out of the conversation gracefully. She asked to keep talking. Then came the pressure about going to the convention. That’s when I knew for sure it wasn’t her. I commented that she “wouldn’t say that” and that I figured it was an assistant. A few seconds went by and they apologized.

Crappy, just crappy. You know there’s a boatload of other women probably believing it and maybe getting scammed. There’s nothing I can do about it. Does this celeb know or endorse this behavior?

I feel gypped. Grrrrr


Today I was referred to the Mayo Breast Clinic…

Sigh, today I was referred to the Mayo Breast Clinic to be evaluated for Inflammatory Breast Cancer, aka “orange peel”. I’m 50, married to a disable veteran and just adopted my 4 year old granddaughter last year. What on Earth am I going to do?

I’m trying to be a “big, brave dog” (Chuckie from Rugrats). I know the “don’t panic until you have to” speech, I’ve given it. I’m really trying to stay in “hope for the best, prepare for the worst”. I’m just concentrating on the next step, but if this is bad news, I’m going to be just as aggressive…

Best Case scenario: I have to do a third round of a heavier antibiotic because it’s mastitis (doesn’t make sense) This type of cancer is aggressive, rare and happens at about my age. It’s a rash on my breast that came on fast, swollen, hot to the touch, dimpled appearance. Two rounds of antibiotics and no change. I’m glad my doctor is supportive and listens to my instincts. That’s so rare nowadays.

Now I have to wait for the Mayo (thankfully I live in Minnesota) to call me and schedule an appointment. This clinic does get people in and diagnosed rapidly.

Please God, let me be able sleep tonight.

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statistics, blek…

I dropped my statistics class and I feel like a loser. I know I really had no choice. I think I was foolish to take such a complicated class in one third time Summer schedule. So, triple the pace! I tried and I couldn’t keep up.  I must wait for the fall and take it at a normal pace. Dear God, I hope I get it then.

Disappointed in myself 😦

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Helmet Laws…

Today my daughter called me to tell me her new beau had died in a single motorcycle accident. My heart broke for her.

When I moved to Minnesota from Massachusetts, I was flabbergasted that there was no helmet law. I had never been in a state where there wasn’t one, and I’ve been up and down the East Coast from Florida to Ontario. It was something very common in the Midwest and I wasn’t getting it.

I posted on Facebook that I support helmet laws. Just that, nothing else. Of course there was a ruckus and that’s okay. Isn’t that what social media is about? Assuming people are reasonable, don’t use hate speech and don’t monopolize someone’s thread.

Some people compared it to “losing freedoms and how am I gonna tell my grandchildren about gay marriage”, which I found tangential. Another posted how she felt it fell into the “my body, my decision” category along with seat belts and abortion laws.

My feeling is a twist on the latter. I feel that abortion laws are “my body, my decision”. I don’t believe that seat belts and helmets are always. A car or motorcycle accident reaches out to so many people in so many ways. It devastates whole families and if someone lives and is a brain dead or crippled it can bleed a family emotionally, physically, financially, etc. Am I being heartless?

When I was younger we went for so many hospital visits, so many funerals for victims of car and motorcycle accidents. I believe helmets save lives.

My kid is in pain. She’s lost four friends to car/motorcycle accidents. I can’t fix her pain.



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He’s not adjusting to civilian life…

My husband medically retired in 2010, after serving 27 years in the military. That basically means that he’s non-deployable anywhere. In other words, politely kicked out. He’s okay with it, somewhat. He knew he was unable to continue. He knew he was too broken.

I love him to death. But, he’s an ornery old coot. He’s struggling so bad and I don’t know how to help him. He’s gone the alcohol route, isolating route, and never-ending surgeries. My resolve is wearing thin. I mean I’m tired. I’m not going anywhere, but I’m tired of hospitals. Eight surgeries with five more to go.

Maybe I’m whining? I don’t know. I’m in need of a way to vent. He’s a veteran now. I don’t belong to an FRG as I’m too far away. I’ve attended al-anon meetings and that’s actually been helpful.

His memory is lapsing. I begged him to talk to his doctor, and she made an appointment at the memory clinic. He did….medium, on his tests. Not too good, not too bad. I fear cognitive impairment. To think, the won’t approve him for Social Security because they say he can work. The military calls him unemployable, but SS doesn’t. That frustrates me because we just adopted our granddaughter and he’s starting to fail. When I was working, his effort is minimal. I explain what I/ the household needs from him and he says “I know, I know” and then nothing. Now, I’m home with them and going back to school. I’m hoping she’ll be going in to kindergarten when I’m getting out. Then he won’t have that responsibility as much.

Thanks for hearing me vent….


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My grand intro?

Where do we start? Let’s see if the random thoughts of a mid-life chick, landlocked in the Midwest can interest some readers enough to think my writing is interesting. I am ready to discuss it all. I’m bursting at the seams and have a lot to say.

Shall I use it as my springboard to purge a distracted mind or a diary that I want to scream out loud? Maybe a bit of both.

My impetus to start blogging was multifold; it was being a military wife, having adopted my grandchild, having given up my hometown to follow love, my father’s passing, and working in the substance abuse treatment field. I am not an LADC, I worked in the unit. I was on the floor with adolescents. I learned more than I could have ever imagined.

Sadly, so much has to do with grieving. If we do it well, then we move along to wonderful things. If we do it badly, we get stuck in toxic thinking. It’s release, it’s surrender. I recently saw an explanation of surrender as arms up to the heavens, not slumped down in defeat. That simple gesture taught me so much.

I’ll be sharing it all, little by little. I’m learning.

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Random thoughts from a landlocked mind!